The Brighter Side of Motherhood

Let's talk about it.

We know the danger of the internet comparison game. The envy of what looks like everyone else's perfect lives. The discouragement of feeling like the only one who doesn't have it together.  And yes, on social media it's easy to reveal only the most glamorous moments.  I've sometimes fallen into that trap.

On the flip side, there is growing counter-movement of women who are very real about their pain and their failings, from a bad day because they're just plain tired to opening up in the depths of crises. This kind of conversation is invaluable. Personally I can't say enough for just knowing I'm not alone in my struggles as a new mom.

But in this blog, at least for now, I'm going to focus on the brighter side of motherhood.   Hopefully not a fake, filtered version of life where I pretend I have it figured out, but maybe a reflection on how yes it's crazy hard, but here's why it's also wonderful.

I want to write with this "brighter side" theme for a few reasons.

Firstly, I tend towards negativity; it's easy to complain (even just interiorly) when I should have a more grateful attitude towards life. Channelling my ideas towards the fun, the fulfillment and the beauty of it all will (I hope) help me grow in gratitude.

Secondly, I feel ill-equipped to do justice to the topic of suffering in family life. I do suffer of course, and that pain is genuine. But in this season I also have a strong support network and a relatively gentle life. My mothering experience thus far is limited to one easy-going baby. So I will try to leave the discussion of motherhood's challenges to women a little deeper in the trenches, who write beautifully on the topic.

My third reason is I think the most important. The brighter side needs to be talked about more!
In this culture we can feel starved for vulnerability. When we find those authentic friends with whom we can share our struggles, those struggles often dominate the conversation.
I think most mothers share a mutual understanding of the love for our families and the indescribable joy of this hard, hard life. But we don't always say it, and we should - to remind ourselves, and to encourage others who are perhaps daunted by the idea of family life.

In my teens what I wanted most was to be a wife and a mother.  But the message I heard over and over from young families was:
Marriage and parenting are so hard. We had no idea.  
Which scared me a little, and caused me to doubt my hearts' desires.  Maybe family life wasn't all I hoped it would be.

Us back then.
Francis had already mastered the
Goofy Face  - less so the selfie.

I remember debating about this with Francis when we were in college, sleep-deprived and stressed out by assignments and exams.
I said something to the effect of,  "We think this is hard now, but life's only going to get harder when we have kids."

He wasn't so sure:  "Life is always hard when you put effort in to it. College could be easier but we make it hard by setting expectations and working hard for them. I think it's similar with family life - or any vocation. It's as hard as you make it."

In hindsight both our points of view may have been a little black-and-white. But the agreement we came to I stand by firmly to this day:

Anything worthwhile done well is going to be hard. 
It's supposed to be. It's sanctifying.  I might even venture to say the better it's done, the harder it is.

Perhaps when I was daunted by that message, this life is so hard, I didn't understand the joy and the love abounding in those same families. They weren't resenting their vocation, or trying to scare off anyone who desired it. They were reaching out and opening the conversation for that much-needed vulnerability that I now find so encouraging. Perhaps I was discouraged because I didn't realise just how tangibly joy and suffering go hand-in-hand.

As for my fears about marriage and family being too hard? Confirmed. This life is way more than I can handle. That's why I have to rely on the grace of marriage and God's hand in my life every day.

But I'm also having more fun, feeling more fulfilled and happier now than ever before. I wish I could tell that to my 18-year-old-self - you bet it's hard, pursuing your vocation, but that it's part of what makes it so worth it and so awesome.